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+--- Thread: Moving (/showthread.php?tid=241)
Moving - Sadstguy - 05-11-2009
As (nearly) always, I am VERY open to criticism of my works. My Muse departed many years ago, and I haven't written anything good in a long time, so I hope to get suggestions about what I'm doing wrong, or how a piece can improve. I recognize that I need to get back the feeling of meter, and right now I'm mostly drooling emotions onto the page, for example.
Background...I recently moved from where I lived for 16 years, and came to the realizatoin that my life is far worse than than when I started there. And yes, I know the sound referenced in the first one...and it matched exactly.
Moving On
One last glance
Before the packing tape
Tears off the roll and
Seals the last box
With the sound of a body bag zipping shut.
Copyright é 2009 Sadstguy
All Rights Reserved and all that.
Premature Interment
From within the boxes
I hear the mournful screams
Of a thousand memories,
Not yet dead,
Begging for release from their tombs.
Copyright é 2009 Sadstguy
All Rights Reserved and all that.
Re: Moving - JenniLynne - 05-11-2009
Those are quite interesting works Sads..... Thank you for sharing them.....
Peace & :ht:,
Jenni
Re: Moving - Sadstguy - 05-11-2009
(05-11-2009, 01:03 PM)Jenni link Wrote: Those are quite interesting works Sads..... Thank you for sharing them.....
Peace & :ht:,
Jenni
Thank you, Jenni. I appreciate that.
Re: Moving - Dragon - 05-11-2009
My only criticism, if it is one, is that there were only two of them. Very good short feeling descriptions!!
//al
Re: Moving - MindCubicle - 05-11-2009
Sad,
I really enjoyed both of them. They bring forward the emotions of the move and moving on. The pain and fear of packing up the memories both good and bad, trying to put them away, weeping and moving on. There are so many meanings with the physical and emotional packing away of the memories and the anguish that goes with it. Bravo my friend!
You shouldn't doubt your skills Sad. These are great!
Mind
:hug06:
:H:
Re: Moving - Sadstguy - 05-15-2009
(05-11-2009, 11:18 PM)Dragon link Wrote: My only criticism, if it is one, is that there were only two of them. Very good short feeling descriptions!!
//al
Thank you very much for such kind words.
It's odd...I can work on a sonnet for a long time and never get it right, and then these thoughts that just flowed out without thought--it was just more like "reporting"--seem to have been liked.
I've always said that my subconscious is brighter than my conscious. I think this is good evidence for that!
--S
Re: Moving - Sadstguy - 05-15-2009
(05-11-2009, 11:32 PM)MindCubicle link Wrote: Sad,
I really enjoyed both of them. They bring forward the emotions of the move and moving on. The pain and fear of packing up the memories both good and bad, trying to put them away, weeping and moving on. There are so many meanings with the physical and emotional packing away of the memories and the anguish that goes with it. Bravo my friend!
You shouldn't doubt your skills Sad. These are great!
Mind
:hug06:
:H:
It's good to know that those things came across. Thank you for your encouragement.
:H2:
--S
Re: Moving - liz - 05-16-2009
they're beautiful...
Re: Moving - Sadstguy - 05-18-2009
(05-16-2009, 12:50 PM)liz link Wrote: they're beautiful...
Thank you.
Apparently, a friend (Kay Flood) didn't appreciate them, because she sent me these re-writes...
MOVING ON
One last glance
before closing the door
on old baggage.
Sealing the last box,
encasing the memories worth taking to new horizons.
Timely Interment
From within the sealed boxes
I hear the moans of failed neuroses.
Gnashing their teeth at their failure
To prevent my growth and happiness.
Perhaps, not yet dead, but happily well on their way.