Chat Room
07-19-2009, 04:43 AM
Its' been a while since I posted here. After my friend Tyler killed himself, there was a considerable amount of wreckage to clean up- much more than I'd expected. Tyler's mother traveled here to California from Connecticut. She is elderly and not well. His girlfriend is not yet able to process his death. I've had so much experience, if that is the correct word, with suicide that I shift to automatic pilot. That may seem cold, I know. Still, its' a coping machine- my database.
I had an infection in both of my eyes and wasn't able to see for about five weeks. It taught me a lot. It taught me gratitude. I decided that, since it is possible that I may never be completely free of suicidal ideas, I'm going to live every day as if it were my last. I am fully aware of how banal- how positively pedestrian that sounds. But really, what else can I do? With that in mind, I started writing again. I'd stopped just prior to my eye trouble. I said "...the hell with it; nothing good ever came of it, no one reads it, no one cares... oh, please listen to poor Mark Shaw's trifling tale of woe..." and so on. You know what I'm talking about. It was really viscous, gelatinous stuff.
After my Catholic career, I am thoroughly bewildered as to what God is, was or can be. I know God is there, He's just not a part of my day. Nonetheless, when the time comes for me to Buy My One Way Ticket To the Big Adios, I want to be ready. I want to have done all that I could do. Nothing left undone. That includes, of course, loving as many people as I can, with all the passion, power and beauty that I can muster. I'll have done that.
I don't know how any of you feel about this subject, but if you are thinking of taking leave of the world, consider this.
What God Wants To Become
When heaven comes looking for you
be sure to be already there.
Be an early flowering
of beautiful things to choose from.
Every atom of you has a history
and a future.
The green poetry of love
is your life stream.
This moment is the flow.
It takes a universe of starlight
to make one child
look up from the dust.
Never forget
you are what God wants to become
I had an infection in both of my eyes and wasn't able to see for about five weeks. It taught me a lot. It taught me gratitude. I decided that, since it is possible that I may never be completely free of suicidal ideas, I'm going to live every day as if it were my last. I am fully aware of how banal- how positively pedestrian that sounds. But really, what else can I do? With that in mind, I started writing again. I'd stopped just prior to my eye trouble. I said "...the hell with it; nothing good ever came of it, no one reads it, no one cares... oh, please listen to poor Mark Shaw's trifling tale of woe..." and so on. You know what I'm talking about. It was really viscous, gelatinous stuff.
After my Catholic career, I am thoroughly bewildered as to what God is, was or can be. I know God is there, He's just not a part of my day. Nonetheless, when the time comes for me to Buy My One Way Ticket To the Big Adios, I want to be ready. I want to have done all that I could do. Nothing left undone. That includes, of course, loving as many people as I can, with all the passion, power and beauty that I can muster. I'll have done that.
I don't know how any of you feel about this subject, but if you are thinking of taking leave of the world, consider this.
What God Wants To Become
When heaven comes looking for you
be sure to be already there.
Be an early flowering
of beautiful things to choose from.
Every atom of you has a history
and a future.
The green poetry of love
is your life stream.
This moment is the flow.
It takes a universe of starlight
to make one child
look up from the dust.
Never forget
you are what God wants to become
