it hurts it hurt

[jennymarie]

jenny is trying to outline her life for an interview on Monday
jenny doesn't want to look
:-[
jenny doesn't want to remember
:-X
jenny doesn't want to feel
jenny is crying
jenny is lost
:'(

Jenny hasn't looked like Jenny for years. She looks like Hell. She felt good about herself for several months in 07 or 08. It was the best she felt about herself since she suffered a breakdown in 98. She failed to be strong enough to maintain her pride in herself and became a wreck again. Jenny needs a refresher course with Dr. Dolittle to be a right proper lady again - the person she knows she is.
:ht:

[JenniLynne]

jenny is trying to outline her life for an interview on Monday
jenny doesn't want to look
:-[
jenny doesn't want to remember
:-X
jenny doesn't want to feel
jenny is crying
jenny is lost
:'(

Jenny hasn't looked like Jenny for years. She looks like Hell. She felt good about herself for several months in 07 or 08. It was the best she felt about herself since she suffered a breakdown in 98. She failed to be strong enough to maintain her pride in herself and became a wreck again. Jenny needs a refresher course with Dr. Dolittle to be a right proper lady again - the person she knows she is.
:ht:

Jenni thinks Jenny is a wonderful person and even though Jenny has to look back on Jenny's old life, Jenny should know that Jenny is who Jenny needs to be right now.... Jenni is sorry that Jenny hurts and is crying looking back on Jenny's old life..... Jenni offers Jenny hugs and love....

Jenny needs to remember that Jenny is a beautiful person no matter what Jenny looks like physically at the moment..... Jenni would also like to remind Jenny that being a right proper lady is highly overrated  ;D......

:hug08: :hug08: :H: :H: :hug06: :hug06: :H2: :H2:

Peace &  :ht:,
Jenni

[jennymarie]

jenny and Jenny appreciate the hugs. But the fact is Jenny doesn't feel like Jenny completely and ISN'T who she needs to be. She is who she needs to be but doesn't seem to express that self in a way that adequately conveys who she is. Jenny is going to do what she usually does when life feels too real and disappointing. Jenny is going to a movie maybe two and disappear behind her eyes into the screen the kinda the same way she looked out from 'his' eyes for most of her life time. Some how after a movie the disappointment and pain is gone and she feels more like herself - free of morbid reflection and mind fucking herself but alone BUT safe.

[jennymarie]

Jenny is very grateful that Jenni was online this morning.
:h14:

Jenni provided the support that Jenny needed. The assurance that it's going to be okay.
So Jenny is going to take it slow. Try to be linier as possible and also jot down the nonsequencial bits.
She's going to be kind to herself and not try to rush through it so it doesn't have to be felt.
Jenny knows it's important to not short the process and leave out something that might be important.
:hd:

[Lurker.In.The.Night]

Think about it like this, you are doing something for your future, which is better than where you were a few weeks ago where you were thinking about not moving forward at all.

This is an improvement. 

[jennymarie]

Think about it like this, you are doing something for your future, which is better than where you were a few weeks ago where you were thinking about not moving forward at all.

This is an improvement. 

That's a nice way to frame it, Lurker. It isn't about me except that I do fantasize about a moderate payoff if it really happens and really gets published. Nothing as grandiose as talking with the replacement for Oprah, etc. But there is one aspect to what I believe defeats me in the world, what would make me feel better about me to address whether or not it's needed. If I could afford that I would feel more at peace with all that happened, and my cowardice, and all the heartache. (And it would make the bright points seem brighter as well.)

It's more about being able to maybe save one single person from having to experience the same. Maybe helping one person to not <i>face</i> the scars. If it happens and if one person is saved because I shared my experience? Then maybe all the senselessness of so much of it would have been worth it.

Additionally, as a friend suggested - I should leave room for a happy ending and that too make walking through this a little easier.

[Lurker.In.The.Night]

I think helping others is one of the most wonderful things a human being can do. 

[jennymarie]

Agreed.

[JenniLynne]

Jenny is very grateful that Jenni was online this morning.
:h14:

Jenni provided the support that Jenny needed. The assurance that it's going to be okay.
So Jenny is going to take it slow. Try to be linier as possible and also jot down the nonsequencial bits.
She's going to be kind to herself and not try to rush through it so it doesn't have to be felt.
Jenny knows it's important to not short the process and leave out something that might be important.
:hd:

Jenni is always happy to help and Jenni is online a lot when BF is at work, and sometimes if BF is home.... BF is a computer hog, so Jenni can't get online too much when he's home, but Jenni is online 98% of the time when BF is at work or gone somewhere.....

Just remember to take things one day at a time, that's all anyone can do.... If you're gonna try to keep on living, just make it through one day at a time and live for yourself, not for anyone else (easier said than done I know)..... :hug08: :hug08: :H: :H: :hug06: :hug06: :H2: :H2:

Peace &  :ht:,
Jenni

[jennymarie]

Thank you, Jenni. You have been really great in suggesting labeling things that I might want to send off to people (which I don't anymore but may anyway). And in supporting positive lines of thought as well providing insight. But live for yourself? Usually only hear that from women with husbands, kids, home, possibly single but with a career. Please don't ever say that to me again. At least until I have some of those things in my life? Then we can talk about being healthy and living for one's self. God I'm cranky  before a ciggy butt and coffee. [color=black]