it hurts it hurt

[jennymarie]

Think about it like this, you are doing something for your future, which is better than where you were a few weeks ago where you were thinking about not moving forward at all.

This is an improvement. 

That's a nice way to frame it, Lurker. It isn't about me except that I do fantasize about a moderate payoff if it really happens and really gets published. Nothing as grandiose as talking with the replacement for Oprah, etc. But there is one aspect to what I believe defeats me in the world, what would make me feel better about me to address whether or not it's needed. If I could afford that I would feel more at peace with all that happened, and my cowardice, and all the heartache. (And it would make the bright points seem brighter as well.)

It's more about being able to maybe save one single person from having to experience the same. Maybe helping one person to not <i>face</i> the scars. If it happens and if one person is saved because I shared my experience? Then maybe all the senselessness of so much of it would have been worth it.

Additionally, as a friend suggested - I should leave room for a happy ending and that too make walking through this a little easier.