Let's see ....

[UnicornSmudge]

I think this is a good idea, though this site is so small, I doubt I will find anyone and I've basically given up on the idea. I find that any woman I get to know, who may be interested in me over the Internet, is quickly turned off once we actually spend time together. I am not "fun." I have a serious mental illness.

I hate living alone, and like you, I believe if I found someone I deeply cared about who also deeply cared about me, I would stop seriously considering suicide.

Hi everyone. I'm new. I read the forum rules and i have joined this platform before and my profile was probably deleted a few times because i am shy and i may or may not have posted something before but never had any connection to other users.
Well, i am back, what do they always say, "sorry youre here?"
I am trying to reach out again. It's been a few years.
This post quoted above by Jumper really hit home for me. I have struggled so much to connect with guys who seem nice and interested in the beginning but generally it turns out that i am "not fun" and so no longer hold their interest.

I, really, am "not fun". Know why? Because i am a human! Sure, I Like to have a good time when i can manage it. I am really silly. I am also very serious. I like things like reading and science and making things when i am not working for other people, and providing proper nutrition, hygiene, and amenities within financial responsibility for myself. I also am often sad. I am a realist. I work hard. And sometimes i am just too exhausted to work or play. Sometimes i am stuck in a macabre thought cycle. Sometimes i am very negative, usually when I feel disconnected, unloved, or used. I do have flashbacks to things that are upsetting to me. There are a lot of triggers everywhere. I have to work extra hard to feel safe, which is "not fun". It is very serious business. I am also very spiritual.
The framework of a relationship can be unsafe and it takes a lot of communication for me to find out (in the past it has been to find out that it is indeed not a safe relationship!) whether or not it will be a safe place with a safe person to get close to. Apparently communication is also "not fun". Really though, fun is not a thing to strive for!? It is fleeting, frivolous like seeking pleasure and loads of meaningless trinkets and experiences.
So, really it is bullshit. A cop out. If a relationship is purely for entertainment, idk what the point is! I always hope to find a real, meaningful connection with someone who genuinely cares for the people in their life.

Also i get really bummed out when i hear things like "you have to love yourself before you can love others". Really? How have they determined that I don't "love myself"? I have a lot of issues. Loads of Anxiety! ? (like it's exciting) depression, c-ptsd, and i am sometimes self harming when i get to a point of crisis or emotional overload. But i do love myself. I also love those in my life with everything i can. And sometimes the can is empty and i need a nap and a sandwich. It has been a journey that i am still traveling on to learn to put my needs above others, because of the way that i am and the way that i was brought up... but just because it is my general inclination to make sure those around me are safe and comfortable and at ease doesn't mean that i don't want those things for myself. I wish i could connect with someone with a similar mindset and spiritual understanding, who also checks on those in their company and shows genuine concern for their friends, partner, pets, family members, and strangers in obvious need.

WORDS!!!! Lots of 'em. Hopefully i got all the typos... thanks for reading (i hope someone does, i know it's So Long).  Please say hi!