Status of CSS

[Dragon]

The following is a copy of the message that was sent via email.  


I am at a complete contretemps regarding the Chronic Suicide Support Forum.

Our hosting company recently notified me that is was time to renew our hosting for another year. My immediate response was "Why am I financing this?" It's not that the cost of maintaining the site is so high, it's that the participation is so low. I was on the phone with one of our members and they volunteered to pick up the cost for this coming year - thank you.

Over the past two months there have been 15 messages posted - extending that out over a year means that we've posted about 100 messages - that means that each post cost me about $1.50 per message - if we were an active forum that would not concern me. Over the past two months 16 of our members have 'checked in' but only have four have posted anything - is there nothing happening in your lives to share?

During the time that I've been the administrator participation has continuously dropped - something for which I must accept the blame - but I don't know how to change that, I sincerely wish I did.

As I look across the web, CSS continues to be the only place where someone can drop in, discuss the state of their life and their desire to end it all without everyone immediately jumping on the "You'll go to hell if you do!" bandwagon. I and others have tried to support those who want to continue trying, we have also shared the pain of those who don't think they can or want to continue trying. I have also acknowledged the right of each and every one of us to end it when and if we feel that's appropriate. I don't think I've ever told anyone that "You can't do that!", I admit that I've often suggested that they reconsider their thoughts and feelings before they take such a final action, but that is a responsibility that *I* feel is 'right'.

My friends, I would like to think that there is no longer a need for CSS, that magically all the problems that we face are gone and we're all "shiny, happy" people. Realistically, I don't think that's the case. I don't think it's appropriate to ask anyone to cover the expense of a forum that *I* find less and less effective.

For me, personally, your responses will tell me what direction CSS should take in the future - if there is to be a future.

[jenjen]

Things haven't been the same since our "fight". I was vulnerable and you broke my trust. I've tried to get it back but you seem to have ignored my attempts. Trust is hard for me. I guess it's that simple. I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable here anymore. I can't risk it. I wish it was different but it's where I'm at.

[Lurker.In.The.Night]

Dear Dragon,

I got your email, and while keeping this forum open may not seem like it is worth it to you, I immediately knew how much it was worth it to me. I realized that this forum provides me a place to go that nobody and no where else can compare. I have been to other forums, and groups dealing with suicide but none compare to the safety and anonymity, and understanding of this one. If this were to close, I would have no where else to turn if I had suicidal thoughts or feelings.

I've been feeling great lately because I have this wonderful girlfriend and I've found love. What if it falls apart though? What if it doesn't work out? What then? My suicidal thoughts would surely return and I would find myself feeling more alone than ever.

My family is not a close one. My father recently told my brother that he wants nothing else to do with him. My brother lied about me to his girlfriend. My brother hasn't spoken to me since.

And my mother I am convinced attempts to engulf me, and has no intentions of ever letting me leave to be with my girlfriend, meaning…live with her.

Things could fall apart and I could find myself lost and alone again, but this time the forum wouldn't be there for me.

What would I do? Where would I turn? There would be nobody and no where.

Please don't shut down this forum. It means a great deal to me, even though I haven't posted much in a while.

-LITN

[Dragon]

At the risk of offending you, Jenjen - and at this point I don't really care - in early September you became upset when in the public forum you said that you were doing things that were causing you problems, to which I replied that if you know you're doing them and they are causing you and your hubby problems you should stop them.  That's the gist of the exchange as I remember it.

On the 12th of September you, in the public forum asked me to not reply to your messages and in PM is said I wouldn't - end of exchange.

In January of this year you sent a PM asking if we could put this all behind us; I replied that as far as I was concerned it was.

This is your fourth post since the middle of January - if that is your attempt at trying then one of us is seriously confused.  I have replied to each PM you've sent trying to work out a resolution and each time I'm met with more of this nonsense.  I literally give up trying to be the nice guy 'cause it's getting me nowhere.

You have never acknowledged in PM or the forum that what I understand to be the crux of 'our "fight"' was correct or not.  And I will not continue to be sporadically reminded that you didn't like one of my posts.  Dislike this one all you want 'cause, as I've said, I'm thoroughly frustrated.

I'm sorry that this was aired publicly but there are times that I feel I must defend myself and this was one of those times and thi sis the end of this discussion - at least from me.

[Dragon]

My dear LITN (and given the tone of my previous message, I am serious - you are dear to me)

I've gotten a couple of messages like yours and I do understand that we're apt to put CSS 'on a back burner' when life is going well.  I suppose it's to be expected that we don't want to be reminded of the times when things weren't going so well.

I'm glad that you've found someone who gives you that love you want (and we all need), I smiled at that because it made me happy.

Sorry that not all of life is going quite that well but it sounds like you have the support to handle it.

We're here for at least the next year, thanks to an anonymous member (I didn't get permission to mention who that person is - my oversight, oops.)  After that we'll see how things are going ...

Take care of yourself and your loved one, love //al

[Lurker.In.The.Night]

My dear LITN (and given the tone of my previous message, I am serious - you are dear to me)

I've gotten a couple of messages like yours and I do understand that we're apt to put CSS 'on a back burner' when life is going well.  I suppose it's to be expected that we don't want to be reminded of the times when things weren't going so well.

I'm glad that you've found someone who gives you that love you want (and we all need), I smiled at that because it made me happy.

Sorry that not all of life is going quite that well but it sounds like you have the support to handle it.

We're here for at least the next year, thanks to an anonymous member (I didn't get permission to mention who that person is - my oversight, oops.)  After that we'll see how things are going ...

Take care of yourself and your loved one, love //al

Dear Dragon,

It's really nice to hear from you again.

If you would put a donate button on the top of the page, I would donate to it to help provide funds for the year after. Maybe not the entire bit, but a portion. Providing it wouldn't show up in my banking statement that I donated to a suicide forum. 

There'd be no explaining that one if mom found out! 

-LITN

---

P.S. Have you heard from anybody from back in the old days? I still think of the people I used to interact with from here from time to time. CTB. Eyescream. Beacon. Liz. Jeeter. Jennylynne. Woody. Thistle. Snuggles. Marga. Unlegendary….

Any word from any of them?

[sh3ky]

Dragon,

In all honesty, I'd forgotten I was even a member of this forum. God knows, it hasn't been because I haven't needed it. I'm thankful I've been reminded of its existence. Life has been slowly falling apart and I've felt so alone. It's nice to know I have a place to go. Thank you for all you do here.

[Abzilla]

Dragon, I've been thinking about what to write since I read your message yesterday. Forgive me if this is rambly - my brain isn't quite right these days.

I have to admit to being guilty of checking in sometimes but rarely posting. I haven't said much about what's going on with me because I barely understand it myself. I'm either having psychotic delusions and hallucinations, or I'm experiencing something wonderful. Which that is depends on who you are talking to, and what kind of day I am having. So it's hard to put together coherent thoughts sometimes.

When I found this site, I was so relieved to find a place where people understood what it was like to be me - to live with those chronic suicidal thoughts that you may or may not act on, but they are there and are disturbing nonetheless. There aren't as many posts now as even when I first came here almost a year ago, but at the same time I still think there is value. Someone probably won't reply right away if I come here suicidal, but it does help just a little bit to know there is somewhere to post if am in that miserable place and people won't freak out on me and will very likely understand exactly how I'm feeling.  I'd like to see the site keep going, but totally understand that money is a factor too.

That's my 2 cents worth (which with the current exchange rate is like 5 cents US ).

[Shivering Sands]

I got your message, Dragon, and had to respond. I'm sorry that running the board has become such a thankless task. I won't make any effusive promises to post more; I haven't got much energy, and nearly all of it has to go toward staying alive and employable. I am reminded, however, not to take this place for granted. I'm very grateful that it exists. I've just gone through another intense nightmarish period, and I thought of the forum but was paradoxically too anxious to post. I'm afraid of nearly everything, even when things aren't this bad, so I suppose being afraid to post shouldn't be a surprise. Anyway, I just want to thank you for keeping the forum going. Yes, it is most definitely the only place for people like us. Sometimes I positively want to snarl when I read the usual "if you're feeling suicidal" stuff. It can make feel like I'm not part of the same species as the writer. But I'm not alone. There are altogether too many of us, I suspect. We're just forced into silence because (pretty understandably) almost nobody wants to deal with our pain or the problems we present.

Again, Dragon, thank you for being here and for running this board. I would understand if you no longer felt the effort worthwhile--but please know that the board has made a permanent difference in my life, whether or not you continue to run it.

Shivering Sands

[Fos-K]

It was an immense relief to be able to come back and see familiar names. There are no other places where you see the kind of non-judgmental mentality of this board. There are no "call 911" or "just do it" comments. It's like a well moderated, private, and more compassionate version of A.S.H. To me that has value, but you're right that I, and others, don't appreciate the availability of this place so I will try to do my part.